A simple Silence

Silence.  Such a simple word.  How could it not be, it actually means "the absence of sound".  So, how can a word with such and easy definition , be so complicated in everyday life?  A silent day can sound so blissful to some, and yet, so terrorizing for others.  Silence can mean the difference of a child doing something wrong and a child taking a nap.  Its how you feel on an off day.  Everything seems quieter, phones, noises, media…it all seems to be muffled.  The emotions inside, eerily quiet and yet screaming louder than a banshee.  

How do you silence the thoughts that wont leave you alone?  The voices that cast doubt and confusion, they somehow seem to avoid the silence and find their way to keep their presence known.  They try to play our emotions against you, ensnare your senses and cast a veil of uncertainty.  This definition of silence can be very tricky to work with and can lead down paths of uncertainty. The question then becomes, how do you control the chaos that erupts from darkness?  

And then, there is the other definition of silence.  This one feels powerful and controllable.  It is about stopping critic and showing the doubt that surrounds your mind that you are in control.  Being able to show yourself that you can do better than you imagined, you are now able to silence that doubt and cast your own light on the subject. This version of silence is just as powerful and just as dangerous as the other.

So which is it, which version will define you?  Will you be confined to blissfully terrorizing torment in which the loudest sound you can hear is your own voice questioning your existence….or will you overpower and silence your chaos with control and assertion.  Being able to define your own role and show yourself that what defines you is your own motivation.

a not so simple thought

Self destructive tendencies.  Most people think this means that you cut yourself, or you hurt yourself on purpose.  What many people do not understand is that the actual meaning is so much more and so hard to see, that it if you didn't know that they were there, they would go unnoticed for years.  Sometimes, those with the most pain in their heart, are the ones who wont allow that pain to come forth and show its ugly head to the world.  Maybe its out of fear of being judged.  Maybe it's a fear of acknowledging that it is real.  Maybe it's the masochists way of  smiling each day.

Why is it, I can go all day, so much is crawling through my mind, itching at the seems of my mind and trying to get free.  But at night, the ideas and thoughts seem to be content with staying put.  The images that seem to be happy replaying, even the ones only dreams can conjure up, always seem to reach down to the core and grab a hold of my emotions.  What do I do?  If I talk, no good can come from it.  If I stay quiet, no good can come from it.  I feel lost while I feel in control.  

There is a man, the man that I imagine I can be.  Then, there is a man, that I feel that I am.  I keep trying to find a way to bring the two together for a sit down.  Wishing that these two could figure out what is to become of my lost and wandering soul.  One man, the man that knows what he wants out of life.  Knows what he can be and what he can accomplish.  Knows that he can bring so much joy and happiness to others.  A man that can see the beauty and sincerity in so many things and people. A man that can look into a womans eyes and be able to read their stories.    

And then, There is the other man, the one who shields himself from the world, not for his sake, but for the worlds.  He pushes those around him away, and he torpedoes any potential happiness he wants for himself, hoping to spare anyone else from his twisted reality.  The man that knows that when he is old and tired, that he will be the lone wolf, sitting and watching the youth of the pack and wishing that they would only listen.  A feeling of self worth mixed with a feeling of self loathing.  

Maybe they are both broken men.  Perhaps all of their experiences and battles have left them war torn and empty.  The thought of another lost battle or false happiness could bring their whole being down and break them forever.  The worst part of that feeling, is not the fear of letting that happen, but the fear that they would welcome that outcome.  This, would bring a solid path for a future and understanding that the feeling of walking alone with no one but a shadow, is justified.  

This life, we feel we are meant for more, that we are destined for riches and bliss.  Maybe, that is only the blinders we set for ourselves so we don't see the chaos and destruction that we walk by.